Tag: full house

Talk That Talk



I don’t discuss it very often on here, but getting the kids to go to bed remains an ongoing problem for us. The struggle is real, man. At this point, I probably have a better chance of winning the lottery, than I do of telling B and J to go to sleep and have them happily oblige, with no shenanigans.

Take the other night, for example. I’ll give you a quick back-story first, though. See, we recently got J a new ‘big girl’ bed, because she had outgrown her other one. When we told her of our plans to get a new bed, she was excited. Her bed game was gon’ be on fleek, yo! She couldn’t wait to sleep in it!

And then we we actually got the bed.

The first night, instead of rushing off to test it out, she refused to sleep in it. She argued that she wanted to sleep in our bed. Who needs a big comfortable spread to yourself, when you can be uncomfortably wedged between two adults? #kidlogic

Anyway, over the next few days, K and I came to the unfortunate realization that the only way to get J to go to her bed was through bribery or similar tactics. This brings me to the other night.

When the big bedtime moment came, J agreed to go to sleep in her bed, BUT with one condition – I had to sit in her room with her, until she dozed off.  Well, shut the front door! She seemed pretty tired, so I would probably be outta there in 15 minutes, I figured. I tucked her in, pulled up the rocking chair, and waited.

There was one other thing, however – J wanted to talk to me as she fell asleep. OK, cool, whatever.

Turned out, she had a lot of stuff on her mind. No joke, here is what she talked about, in chronological order:

  • She recapped the movie Cinderella, including numerous small details.
  • She recapped the movie Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, including numerous small details.
  • She recapped the movie Scooby-Doo And Kiss: Rock and Roll Mystery, including numerous small details.
  • She wished upon a star.
  • She fired me, just because.
  • She discussed what she wanted to have for breakfast the next morning.
  • We discussed why pudding isn’t a breakfast food.
  • She discussed what she wanted for dessert the next evening.
  • She insisted that I had to sleep in her bed, or else I would be in big trouble (side note: no, my daughter isn’t Michelle Tanner).  
  • She recapped what she did at daycare, including numerous small details.
  • She wondered if she was three years old, or three and a half years old. When told that she was three and a half, she listed off all of the important events which had to occur, before her next birthday. These included Halloween, Christmas, family members’ birthdays, and, uh, Thursday.
  • She invited me to her birthday party.
  • Apparently she was playing with a GPS or something, as she gave me precise directions on how to get to Grammy’s house (side note: if I followed her directions, I would not have gotten anywhere close to Grammy’s house).
  • She told me that she had a dream about Monday, Tuesday and Saturday. It was a scary dream.
  • She asked if “Fingers” was awake (side note: Fingers is a character I made up years ago, to entertain the kids. It is just my hand speaking in my normal voice, but B and J get a kick out of it. Some parents use puppets or toys; I use my fingers. Some parents are more resourceful and creative than me).
  • We had this exchange:

J (singing) – Fingers is bad! Fingers is bad! Daddy? I have to tell you something.

Me – What?

J (singing) – Fingers is bad! Fingers is bad!

  • She sang some real songs to herself quietly, before finally fading and passing out.

The 15 minute waiting time that I estimated was off by by about two hours. It was all good, though, as at least she was in her own bed!

I went to sleep not long afterwards. At 3:00AM, to my dismay, I was woken up……by J. She had come into our room, and was standing beside my rested head:

J – Daddy! Daddy! You are in big trouble!

Me – Why? What did I do?

J – You said you would sleep in my room, but you’re not. Now c’mon!

I honestly didn’t remember making such a deal. However, at that time of the night, exhausted and barely conscious, I wasn’t in the mood for a fight. So, I got up, stumbled down the hall, and snuggled up with her, in her bed.

Here’s the kicker: the next morning, when I woke up, I was alone. At some point, J got up (again), and went and slept in MY bed!

As comfy as my sleep was, it was obviously a less than ideal scenario. Yet, that’s how it goes in our house on a regular basis. #bedtimewtf

The struggle is real, man!

Like A Puzzle


Yep, September’s here, so that means one thing –  back to school time for kids.

That picture above is from last year, on B’s first day of kindergarten. Now, I’m a cool dude, but I can’t front. That day was pretty emotional. My lil man was now a little man, gettin’ his edumucation on!

From then on, I honestly thought that things would be like how they were on those TGIF television shows from the 1990s.  You know, we’d come home,  sit around the dinner table, and talk about our day. B would regale us with tales of his scholastic adventures.  Maybe there would be canned laughter from a studio audience.

Turns out TV mislead me again. Tanner family, we are not.

Tonight, on a very special episode of Full House....

Tonight, on a very special episode of Full House….

See, it was a two fold problem. Both of which were mad frustrating.

First off, B wouldn’t tell us anything. Almost every question about school got met with him not wanting to talk.  The best example of this was when I asked him what he did that day, so he did the Run-DMC pose (feet wide, arms crossed, chin out) and told me “No more voices!”


B-Boy stance, that's it right there.

B-Boy stance, that’s it right there.



Occasionally, I did have relatively productive talks with him. I had to be a French guy named Jesse, though. Jesse (me) would ask him questions in French.  I, as myself, would translate them into English for B, and he would answer, which I, as me, would then translate into French for Jesse (me) to understand.

Confusing, right? And I don’t even speak French. But at least he was telling me stuff.

That leads to the other problem.  Some of the stuff that he would tell us, just flat out wasn’t true.  Children have the craziest imaginations, I get that. Kindergarten-aged ones are still learning how to interact with people, sure.  Regardless, the stuff that came out of his mouth would vary from slight exaggerations, to full out lies. I had no idea that in addition to the 3 R’s, he was also learning how to do the big F (Fib. Get your mind out of the gutter).
One time during the first month, I asked him what he did that day. He said the class went on a bear hunt. One of the bears scared him.

Another time, he told me girls liked to touch his hair. When they did, he would pat them on the back.

He told us that no one liked him and all he wanted was a friend. Now, of course, you don’t want your kids thinking school is a popularity contest.  This was still a little troubling to hear, however. I figured that I’d ask his teachers about it on ‘Parent Teacher Night’, which was like a week later. So,  when that night came around, B and I headed over to his school. We got to his classroom….and he immediately ran off and started playing with some other kids. While he was playing, some other boy called him over, to play. I heard that boy’s mom say that B was someone who she ‘heard a lot about.”

When I did tell his teacher what he said to us, she stared at me with the most confused look, as if she had no idea what I was saying (you know, like that look you get when you try to explain the plot of the movie Inception to someone who’s never seen it. ‘Wait, so they go into people’s dreams? And plant ideas? Do they use soil and dirt, to plant them?  Do they shrink and go through the sleeping person’s ear?’).


I…I can’t deal with this right now. Just watch the movie, OK?

B’s teacher told me that B got along with everyone!

After that, we left his room and did a tour of his school. As we were walking around, kids and adults kept saying hi to him, like he was Zack Morris or something. On our way out of the school, we bumped into another one of his friends. This kid’s parents also said that they had heard so much about B. B and his buddy were ‘partners in crime’, they said.  WTF. When we got home, I asked him what the dilly-yo was, and why did he say that no one liked him, when that wasn’t true at all. He stared at me with the most confused look, as if he had no idea what I was saying (you know, like that look you get when you try to explain to someone who doesn’t know who Kim Kardashian is, why she’s famous. ‘Wait, so she doesn’t sing or act or dance? What’s her talent then? What do you mean she doesn’t have one?’).

Look, I can't explain it. Just talk to Kanye about Kim, alright? photo: http://flickr.com/photos/tyliner/

Look, I can’t explain it. Just talk to Kanye about Kim, alright?
photo source:  http://flickr.com/photos/tyliner/


As the year went on, his communication got better. The fibbing did, as well. He said the most ridiculous things with a straight face. And not just when it came to school!

A  few months ago, our neighbour came over and asked how many children we had.  It was a weird question, because, while we were still fairly new to the ‘hood,  we had chatted with her frequently, and B and J had played with her kids several times.  I told her that we had two and asked why. Apparently, B, in all seriousness, told her that he had another brother who we kept locked up and never let out. Our neighbour was shocked, but when she asked what his name was, B hesitated, so she thought that he might not be telling the truth. #lolkidssaythedarndestthings.




We’re still working on the ‘honesty is the best policy’ thing. It’s a work a progress, no doubt.

Anyway, for real, imagine trying to do a puzzle with 1000 pieces. You got your pile set aside, and you’re trying to work it out. Now, imagine someone dumping another 1000 piece puzzle into the pile that you were working on. I don’t know what your conversations are like with your kids but, sometimes, that’s what it’s like trying to talk to mine. You’re just trying to put the pieces together to get the full picture, while removing the pieces that clearly don’t belong.

Happy school year, y’all.

Good luck with your puzzles.