Mike Vs Prescription Drugs: A Shoplifting Story
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that being a parent comes with many evolving job titles, depending on the situation. Dad, chauffeur, doctor, fan, whatever. You know, it’s always something. So with that said, today’s post is about the time that I went from Geek Squad wannabe, to Uber Eats driver, to legal drug runner, to theft victim.
Like most of my stories, things started off innocently enough. I bought a new phone, and needed to use my tech skills to switch stuff over to it, from my old phone. Once that process was done, I was going to run to Limeridge Mall, to buy a phone case. When I told this to K, she suggested that I pick up dinner on the way home, and called in a pizza order.
The switch process, of course, took forever (having about 600,000 pictures and videos saved was probably the culprit). Not only that, but the last step in the process required me having to go into a phone store, for some dumb reason. Because of this, K had to call the pizza place and push back the pick up time. Spoiler: this turns out to be an important detail for later.
Before I left, K mentioned that she needed to go to Shoppers Drug Mart, to pick up some prescription drugs. Being the great husband that I am, I offered to grab them on my way home. So mall, pizza place, drug store, home.
At the mall, doing what I needed to do took no time at all, unexpectedly. The pizza wasn’t going to be ready for a while, though. While wandering around killing time, I remembered that we were almost out of milk. I made a plan to get some at Shoppers, when I got K’s drugs. Spoiler: this also turns out to be an important detail.
After the mall, I got the dinner, then went to Shoppers Drug Mart. I picked up K’s drugs from the pharmacy, got a bag of milk, along with a couple of other groceries, then made my way over to the self checkout area.
Not wanting to lose the meds, I placed them in a bag first, before the other groceries, with the milk going last. After I paid for everything, a pungent aroma filled my nose. I started sniffing my stuff, and realized that the stinky smell was coming from the milk. It wasn’t expired, but it smelled spoiled. Since I already paid for it, I had to talk to a cashier, about getting another bag. So, I picked up the milk, then went to the nearest cashier, a few feet away, leaving the other bag containing the drugs in the self checkout bagging area.
She was serving another woman, who, one by one, was checking about 600,000 lottery tickets. Once Lady Luck ran out of tickets to scan, she used her winnings to, one by one, purchase about 600,000 lottery tickets. As I patiently waited, I did glance over often at my bag in self checkout.
I eventually talked to the cashier, who took the smelly milk and let me get a new one. I quickly walked to the milk section, and was there and back in less than a minute. I grabbed my bag, went straight to my car, then went home.
I walked into my house with the pizza first, where I was quickly ambushed by my now starving family. I then went back to my car and got my two bags from Shoppers. As I unpacked things in the kitchen, I noticed that K’s drugs weren’t around. I went back to my car, to see if they were there.
I checked the places that I put the groceries.
I asked the fam if anyone took the drugs from a bag. To quote N.O.R.E:
I checked my car again, from top to bottom.
K, bless her heart, went from mildly concerned to full blown panicking, the longer our futile search went. I will admit to being occasionally absent-minded, but how the heck did I lose something that I specifically tried not to lose?!
I called Shoppers, and spoke to the cashier who took my milk. I asked if maybe I left the drugs behind, or dropped them there. She put me on hold, then came back a minute later. No luck.
I hopped in my car, and rushed back to Shoppers. I checked the parking lot, and around the front of the store, but the drugs weren’t there. I went into the store, and looked around the self checkout area, to no avail. The cashier once again re-itereated that she didn’t see them, either.
Thoroughly confused, I figured I’d check with the pharmacy about getting replacement drugs. While in line at the pharmacy, I bumped into someone I knew (Sidenote: This is always one of the most awkward places to run into someone, right? You don’t want to ask what the other person is doing there, because it might be personal or embarrassing. No one wants to talk about ointments for itchy butts, for example). Anyway, after a quick, non-personal chat, I talked to the pharmacist who served me before.
Realizing how ridiculous it sounded, I did my best to explain the situation. The pharmacist, bless her heart, did humour me. She walked around the store with me, looking for the drugs. I suggested at one point that they check the security cameras, to see if someone took them in that minute when I went to switch milks. She tried, but a manager was only allowed access to the footage, and they weren’t in until the next day. After much searching, we gave up. She suggested to try looking in my car the next day, in the daylight. “If they aren’t in your car, then your wife is going to make you sleep in your car!”, she joked.
Before I left, I talked to the head pharmacist. My concern now was, if the drugs didn’t turn up, what do we do? Her responses to me were nicely skeptical. The pharmacist said that Shoppers couldn’t replace them unless we got another prescription from our family doctor. By this point, I was pretty sure that the drugs were stolen from me in the store. I’m also pretty sure that no one at Shoppers believed this, and they thought that I was just another doofus husband who screwed up a simple task. She suggested that I call the manager the next day, to check the cameras. As an added plot twist, she also said that benefits wouldn’t cover it, so we would have to pay for them, to the tune of about $200.
I went to bed, confused, and feeling like a huge screw-up. The next morning (no, I didn’t sleep in my car, in case you are reading this, Shoppers pharmacist), I looked around again for the missing meds, to no success. I called our family doctor, and explained my situation to the receptionist. K’s drugs, smelly milk, got not smelly milk, went home, drugs go bye-bye. She pointed out that a controlled narcotic being stolen was a crime, and that Shoppers and I needed to find out what happened ASAP.
Later that afternoon, the manager of Shoppers called me. I explained my situation, and asked if he could check the cameras between when I left my bag to wait behind Lady Luck, and when I returned to it, after I got the new milk, to see if someone took the drugs. He also sounded politely skeptical, but he agreed to look.
He kept me on the line as he watched. Unfortunately, no one took the drugs. I could almost hear his eyes rolling over the phone. Then he muttered, ‘Oh, wait.’ After I picked up my bags, he said that it looked like something small and white was still there, in the bagging area. Small and white…
Like a bag of prescription medication.
When I picked up the stupid stinky milk, the drugs fell out of the bag, and I hadn’t noticed! I asked the manager to watch a bit more of the footage. There was a good 15 minuted between me leaving, and calling the cashier, right? He again agreed, and would let me know if he saw anything. A few minutes later, he called back. Instead of skeptical, he was now sheepish and apologetic. The drugs were indeed stolen after I left! Because I know you’re curious, it was a middle aged Caucasian woman who was the offender. Even worse? The manager said that she was stealing other stuff, too, mainly household items like Kleenex.
I called our family doctor and told them that I gots robbed, yo, while still in the dang store. Well, not really in those words, but the doc agreed to issue a new prescription. Our benefits also covered stolen drugs, in a small miracle, so we didn’t have to pay anything extra, for the replacement medications.
The shoplifter remains at large, as of this writing.
So in conclusion, I think that we can all agree…….. that I’m the victim in all of this! The moral here is to always smell your milk before you buy it!
Yeah, let’s go with that.
Oh you want a better conclusion? With an anecdote about my kids?
A few months ago, little KJ and I played Guess Who. KJ was still learning the game, while, to be a troll, I went with random , nonsense questions:
KJ: Is your character Gabe?
Me: Does your character look like they teach gym at a high school?
KJ: Is it Gabe’s wife?
Me: Does your character look like they play guitar on a street corner for fun, and people give them money?
KJ: Does your character work out?
Me: Does your character look like they went to McDonald’s, and got extra fries, for free?
KJ: Does your character look cool?
Me: Does your character have an earring?
Shockingly enough, we both lost.
My point is, though, similar to playing Guess Who, it’s the little details that get you to where you need to be. Shoot, if we had just left the pizza pick up as is, I wouldn’t have had the time to think of buying milk, which led to the events I talked about. And also, like Guess Who, the person who might steal from you is not who you might guess it is. Be safe out there, people.
Until the next one, peace!