Catch Me If You Can
December 23, 2014
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
Yeah, man. It’s the holiday season, which means that it’s the time of the year when we can stuff our faces with holiday goodies!
One of my favourite treats during this season are fresh, home-made gingerbread cookies. I’ve discovered that decorating these cookies is an easy activity which the whole family can enjoy, especially little kids.
Today, I’m going to share with you some steps, so you can make your own fresh, home-made gingerbread cookies, just like my family!!!!
Pre-heat the oven. Pull out the following ingredients:
Realize that you’ve never made fresh, home-made gingerbread cookies before, and that you don’t actually have a recipe. Turn oven off. Go to a store and buy a premade decorating kit (we went with a kit that had a whole family of gingerbread people, complete with a gingerbread pet dog).
IT’S JUST YOU AND MEEEE!
Go away, Jordan Knight!
I’ll karaoke “Step By Step” later.
Anyway, come home and open up the kit, in your kitchen. Listen to your son and daughter argue over who gets the biggest cookie. Tell them that they don’t get the biggest cookie. Give them each the next two biggest ones, of equal size. Keep the biggest for yourself.
You’ve earned it.
Open up the icing packets, and, using your cookie, carefully show your kids how to spread the icing on, to properly decorate it. Ask them which colour of icing they want, to start.
If your son said green, but your daughter said red, as soon as you’ve given him the green packet, he will immediately change his mind and say that he wants the red one. Habitual douchebaggery, as I’ve mentioned before. He will freak out, when you explain that he’ll have to wait his turn. As such, in a firm but authoritative voice, tell him that, if he doesn’t knock it off, you’ll smash his cookie into so many little pieces that he’ll need a magnifying glass to see them.
He’ll knock it off.
Tell your daughter to stop eating all of the icing, and just decorate her cookie.
Tell your son to stop eating all of the icing, and just decorate his cookie.
Tell your son that he can’t open the packet of sprinkles yet. Chase son around kitchen when he won’t give the sprinkles to you. Curse Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner. Don’t stop running until you’ve caught him.
Your daughter now has more icing on her than on the cookie, somehow. Wonder how she managed to get icing in the back of her hair.
While you’re wondering this, your son will grab the sprinkles, and rip the package open, because, well, WTF. The sprinkles will, uh, sprinkle everywhere, and make a big shiny disaster all over the table and floor. Accept your son’s apology because he seems remorseful.
Gather up some sprinkles with a spoon and sprinkle them on your cookie. Ask kids to do the same.
Tell your daughter to stop eating all of the sprinkles, and just decorate her cookie.
Tell your son to stop eating all of the sprinkles, and just decorate his cookie.
Twist off the lid of the narrow tube of icing, the one that looks like a tube of crazy glue. Gently dab drops from it onto your cookie, to adhere the facial features. Open package of candy, and put candy on the icing drops, to make the eyes and a nose. Ask kids to do the same.
Your son will squeeze tube as hard as he can, to get as much icing out as possible, because, well, WTF. Grab tube from him, and give to daughter. Daughter will carefully dab drops on, but will still somehow get more icing in her hair.
Tell your daughter to stop eating all of the candy, and just decorate her cookie.
Tell your son to stop eating all of the candy, and just decorate his cookie.
Because of all of the icing he globbed on, your son will try to get as much candy as possible to stick onto the face. It will look like the gingerbread man has multi-coloured acne. When it doesn’t all stick, your son will be upset for a minute, but he’ll get over it by eating the candy. Your daughter, in the meantime, will suck on the tube of icing like it was two years ago and she was still being breastfed. #throwbackthursdays
You’re done! Just like my family!
Granted, you won’t need to follow
most some of these steps. Your kitchen probably won’t look like the set of Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” video afterwards, too, like mine did. With any luck, though, your kids will have had a blast. And, most importantly, hopefully, your cookies turn out like this: