Month: December 2014

Catch Me If You Can

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Yeah, man. It’s the holiday season, which means that it’s the time of the year when we can stuff our faces with holiday goodies!

One of my favourite treats during this season are fresh, home-made gingerbread cookies. I’ve discovered that decorating these cookies is an easy activity which the whole family can enjoy, especially little kids.

Today, I’m going to share with you some steps, so you can make your own fresh, home-made gingerbread cookies, just like my family!!!!

Step 1

Pre-heat the oven. Pull out the following ingredients:

 

Well...no, I guess not.

Uh oh…….

Step 2

Realize that you’ve never made fresh, home-made gingerbread cookies before, and that you don’t actually have a recipe. Turn oven off. Go to a store and buy a premade decorating kit (we went with a kit that had a whole family of gingerbread people, complete with a gingerbread pet dog).

Step 3

IT’S JUST YOU AND MEEEE!

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Source: Alan Light

 

Go away, Jordan Knight!

I’ll karaoke “Step By Step” later.

Anyway, come home and open up the kit, in your kitchen. Listen to your son and daughter argue over who gets the biggest cookie. Tell them that they don’t get the biggest cookie. Give them each the next two biggest ones, of equal size. Keep the biggest for yourself.

What?

You’ve earned it.

Step 4

Open up the icing packets, and, using your cookie, carefully show your kids how to spread the icing on, to properly decorate it. Ask them which colour of icing they want, to start.

Step 5

If your son said green, but your daughter said red, as soon as you’ve given him the green packet, he will immediately change his mind and say that he wants the red one. Habitual douchebaggery, as I’ve mentioned before. He will freak out, when you explain that he’ll have to wait his turn. As such, in a firm but authoritative voice, tell him that, if he doesn’t knock it off, you’ll smash his cookie into so many little pieces that he’ll need a magnifying glass to see them.

He’ll knock it off.

Step 6

Tell your daughter to stop eating all of the icing, and just decorate her cookie.

Step 7

Tell your son to stop eating all of the icing, and just decorate his cookie.

Step 8

Tell your son that he can’t open the packet of sprinkles yet. Chase son around kitchen when he won’t give the sprinkles to you. Curse Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner.  Don’t stop running until you’ve caught him.

Step 9

Your daughter now has more icing on her than on the cookie, somehow. Wonder how she managed to get icing in the back of her hair.

Step 10

While you’re wondering this, your son will grab the sprinkles, and rip the package open, because, well, WTF. The sprinkles will, uh, sprinkle everywhere, and make a big shiny disaster all over the table and floor. Accept your son’s apology because he seems remorseful.

Step 11

Gather up some sprinkles with a spoon and sprinkle them on your cookie. Ask kids to do the same.

Step 12

Tell your daughter to stop eating all of the sprinkles, and just decorate her cookie.

Step 13

Tell your son to stop eating all of the sprinkles, and just decorate his cookie.

Step 14

Twist off the lid of the narrow tube of icing, the one that looks like a tube of crazy glue.  Gently dab drops from it onto your cookie, to adhere the facial features. Open package of candy, and put candy on the icing drops, to make the eyes and a nose. Ask kids to do the same.

Step 15

Your son will squeeze tube as hard as he can, to get as much icing out as possible, because, well, WTF. Grab tube from him, and give to daughter. Daughter will carefully dab drops on, but will still somehow get more icing in her hair.

Step 16

Tell your daughter to stop eating all of the candy, and just decorate her cookie.

Step 17

Tell your son to stop eating all of the candy, and just decorate his cookie.

Step 18

Because of all of the icing he globbed on, your son will try to get as much candy as possible to stick onto the face. It will look like the gingerbread man has multi-coloured acne. When it doesn’t all stick, your son will be upset for a minute, but he’ll get over it by eating the candy. Your daughter, in the meantime, will suck on the tube of icing like it was two years ago and she was still being breastfed. #throwbackthursdays

Step 19

Voila!

You’re done! Just like my family!

Granted, you won’t need to follow most some of these steps.  Your kitchen probably won’t look like the set of Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” video afterwards, too, like mine did. With any luck, though, your kids will have had a blast.  And, most importantly, hopefully, your cookies turn out like this:

 

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BON APPETIT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elf On The Shelf Ideas for the Busy Parent

I don’t know about you, but I struggle with the Elf On the Shelf fad.  It’s hard, yo. After a long day, when the kids are finally asleep, the last thing that I want to do is come up with a zany new place to put the elf.  However, my kids love looking for him everyday.  As a result, for almost everyday in December, I gotta man up and do it, for B and J’s sake.

If you’re like me, you’re busy with other stuff , and don’t have much time to spend on thinking of cool spots for your elf. However, don’t fret, my pet.  I got your back on this.

Here are some quick and easy ideas for ya!

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Haha! Look at that lil’ bugger, all passed out after gettin’ his drank on!

Huh?

It’s inappropriate for children to find him in an inebriated condition? #NSFW?

And you’ve seen this done to elves a million times already on Facebook and Pinterest?

Aight, aight. Scratch this one then….

 

 

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Just leave him in the middle of the FLOOR,  with no alcohol! Your kids won’t expect that!

Wait.

Scratch this one, too.

B told me that one of his classmates cut the arms off of his elf. He told me in this weird way, though, that was equal parts shock/curiosity. I don’t know how effective the threat of making the elf lose his magic is, to a mischievous four year old boy. Maybe leaving an elf so easily within arm’s reach is a bad move.

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Ahhh, much better. A bird’s eye view, out of harm’s way.

Continuing on, as an option…….you could also put your elf…….um…….

Uh oh.

I’m out of ideas.

Errr……

Hey, this was fun, everybody, but this is the end of the post.  I hope that I’ve been of some help. Happy elfing!

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What?

I got nothing.  This is too much pressure. Why can’t I throw him out now? I’ll just tell B and J that he’s in a super secret hiding place. They’re young. They’ll understand.

No?

It’s a waste of an elf?

Fine………

 

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Better?

I’ll just take him to a corner, with his sign, and leave him there. Maybe I’ll make him a little stick with a bag tied on the end of it.  Get him a mini shopping cart to push around. Wipe some dirt on his face, to make him really sorry looking, so someone will take pity and scoop him up ASAP.

Still no?

C’mon, man!

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Peace out!

We’re going for a nice, long drive to the forest. Don’t worry, there’s nothing shady going on. See? The elf is even buckled in.

Sort of.  Safety first!

What do you mean, you don’t believe me? Yes, if I leave with the elf, we’re both coming back home!

Hopefully.

OK, OK. I’ll remove him from my car. He’s not coming in my house again, though!

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What’s up now?

No, I don’t think that he looks cold. The way that that he’s sitting there, smiling, I think that he looks like a Peeping Tom.  How’d he get up on the window, anyway? I left him on the ground.  Ah, the magic of Christmas.  And yes, it is snowing, so he’s probably a bit wet.

Oh, fine. I’ll bring him inside, and dry him off. Bah humbug!

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My first choice was the microwave, but apparently, I shouldn’t use that. So, let’s go with this, instead.

Well, how else am I supposed to dry him?

He’s not real! The dryer won’t kill him!

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Now, the blender on the other hand, that will kill him.

Kidding!

Don’t worry, no elves were harmed in the making of this post.

It still kind of sucks, though. Elfing ain’t easy. And by the way, I’m not that creative. Guess I should have led off with that.  Better creep some other sites, if you’re looking for some fun and wacky sources of inspiration.

Worst case, if you’re stuck, there’s always the middle of the FLOOR!

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You’re welcome.

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