One thing I’ve noticed about parenthood is that even the simplest decisions are occasionally very difficult. Take naming your kids, for example.
Back when I was younger, and I was tasked with naming our pets, I would pretty much spend the amount of time that you took reading this sentence to come up with one, and that was that. Once, my mom came home with a kitten. As she walked in the door, a commercial for a halitosis fighting mouthwash or toothpaste or gum (I can’t remember which) popped up on the TV. I thought the idea of naming a cat after its bad breath was cool. However, I mispronounced halitosis, so we ended up calling the poor thing Alowishus.
With children, though, you can’t name them after their bad breath. You gotta take that decision way more seriously. You want to settle on the perfect name for your kid. One that they will cherish forever, and not one that they will resent you for, until they are legally able to change it. Yes, coming up with a good one is pretty stressful . If your significant other is on a whole ‘nother wavelength, with their choices, it can be pretty hostile, too. But don’t sweat, my pet. I’m going to help you out.
See, a great name should have meaning and some personal importance behind it. Now, if you’re my age (30 something), the 1990s were probably a meaningful and important decade for you, chock full of adolescent memories. So why not honour that phat decade by choosing one of these 90s flavoured names for your baby?
After everybody’s favorite vampire slayer, of course.
Spice up your life! Let’s narrow things down:
You can’t name a baby “Baby”.
Scary and Sporty are verbs, not suitable monikors.
Unless you want the poor child being kicked for the rest of their life, Ginger is a bad idea, too.
So why not Posh? It’s original. How many Posh’s do you know?
Man, the 90s had a bunch of high profile Monicas! Monica Seles, Monica the R &B singer, Monica Gellar from Friends. If you name your daughter Monica, keep your expectations high, because they probably won’t suck!
Oh. Right. Moving on then….
Rex is a pretty manly name. If you put a T in front of it, however, it could sort of pass, on a girl. And hey, in terms of strong female role models for your daugther , you could do worse than the dinosaur in Jursassic Park that tore ish up!
What? It’s kind of a cute name! Who knows, maybe in a few years, everyone will have forgotten about the stupid dance/cringe-worthy song and they’ll be able to judge your lil Macarena on her own merits.
Honourable mention: Beezus, Tamagotchi, Lorena
It’s not just a type of music. It is also the Fresh Prince’s cool, bespectacled BFF who had a propensity for being thrown through the air while rocking a brown and yellow shirt. The kids can call him Jazzy!
Furbies were mad popular. If you liked Furbies, but don’t want to name your son Furby because that’s a dumb name, well, Furby and Kirby rhyme. Kirby Puckett was one of the best baseball players in the 90s, so why not?
This one is for the astronomy and hyphen fans. The Hale-Bopp was a pretty big deal back in the day. Before it, the only other Comet that guys like me knew was the dog on Full House. Pick this, and you’re sure to have a shooting star on your hands!
Think you’re having a bad boy? Then call him Ma$e, after everybody favorite baby-faced rapper! Keep the spelling in check, too (everything looks cooler with a dollar sign in it. Duh!).
Many an hour in my youth was spent being violently finished by Goro. This one is suitable for a future BOSS.
Honorable mention: Keyser, Orenthal James, Dawson
So there you have it.
What? I didn’t say that these were great options. Remember halitosis? Yeah, I’m still the same guy.
Guess I should have called this Ten Pretty Terrible 90s Inspired Baby Names.
Oh well. Live and learn.
Have fun picking that perfect name. No pressure!