Little D-Bags

I was out for drinks recently with some buddies. We were shooting the breeze, when the conversation turned to my kids and how they were doing. I told them some stories. As I was telling them, a realization occurred to me, and I blurted out “B can be such a douchebag!” My buddies gave me the ‘I can’t believe that you just said that’ laugh but I was dead serious.

See, your kids are the apple of your eye, but when they’re small, they do a lot of irrational stuff. It really tests your patience but it’s OK, because they’re learning and developing.  Sometimes, however, they do stuff that they shouldn’t, and they clearly know better. Prick moves, for real.

There’s a fine line between kids just being kids and flat out douchebaggery. B is a habitual line stepper (word to Charlie Murphy!). OK, OK,  I can’t front. More often than not, he’s the type of four year old boy who’s polite, funny, charming, smart, considerate etc. Occasionally, however he is also the type of four year old boy who:

– Will start to tell you a story about his day, stop, rip the soother out of J’s mouth, toss it across the room, and then continue the story as if nothing is wrong, while J cries.

– Will come running into our room in the morning, asking for breakfast. When told that he needs to get dressed first, he’ll drop to ground like he’s been shot, tell me that his legs are tired so he can’t walk, and beg that I carry him.

–  Climbs onto a chair that J is sitting in, force her out of it, and insists that he was sitting there first.

– Refuses to get out of said chair until I say ‘please’.

– Takes J’s toy purse, claims that it is his, and refuses to give it back until she says ‘please’.

– Gets told to not go out in the muddy area, smirks, then goes in the muddy area.

– Likes to talk about being older or bigger than everyone he meets. One day we told him to knock it off, and that he needs to stop worrying about being bigger and better all the time. His reply? “I’m not bigger and better….I’m taller and gooder!”

– Climbs a shelf, gets candy, opens it, gives it to J, runs upstairs, tells me that J has candy and asks if I’m mad at her now.

– Told us that J is sassy and that he doesn’t like sassy people. When told by K that he needed to love his sister regardless and that blood is thicker than water, he burst out laughing hysterically, like that was the most ridiculous concept that he’s ever heard.

– Will be given a big cookie and told to share it with J. He’ll eat all of cookie except for a tiny crumb. He’ll give the tiny crumb proudly to J.

– At a drive-thru, when I pull up to place my order, he will also roll his window down, interrupt me, and try to place his own order.

You get the idea.  Can you imagine if a grown man did that stuff? You’d want to slap him upside his frosted-tipped, spiky haired head! And these are just examples from the last couple of weeks.  Whatever.  I’m not complaining, though, don’t get it twisted. I’m just giving you the realness.  Tantrums and crying I expected from toddlers; acting like a douche I didn’t expect. Regardless, douchebag tendencies and all, I wouldn’t change my kiddos for anything. Plus they grow out of it.

Right?

Right?!

2 Comments

  1. Just discovered your blog after your Huffington Post shout-out today. I don’t even have kids (and am now even more terrified to), but this posts are f’in hilarious. Already sent to my sister (mom of 3) who commented “Always makes me feel better to hear someone else’s hell 🙂 ” …which I’m pretty sure is meant to be a compliment. Keep up the great/real posts!

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